I’m currently not in a relationship and I haven’t been in one for awhile now. At first, I hated the idea of not being with someone, of not having a boyfriend. My parents and family members(relatives) would always make such a big deal about this. So each time they asked me why I wasn’t dating anyone, I actually starting to think more into it.
Was there something wrong with me that I was dating? Was I not pretty enough, was that the reason I was still single? I mean I had a whole list of questions that constantly ran through my mine.
What I never asked however was if it was God’s timing for me to be in a relationship? And the answer to that is no.
I’m not going to lie, there were a few times that I tried to force a relationship to happen, the last time I did that, I got burned. Bad. After that, I became a more closed off person and an emotional wreck. That relationship(or whatever it was) ruined me. There were many times I cried myself to sleep, many times that I cried out to God asking Him why He made me the way I am, and then I blamed Him for it as well. My broken heart didn’t heal in a few weeks, though I wish it had. It took a lot longer than that.
It took months before I could stop thinking about him. I wish that feelings for that person would leave when they would. I was actually on the other side of the world and I reached out to him to figure out what went wrong, what happened. I was terrified to reach out to him but I couldn’t feel any peace, and I just wanted closure. I wanted to get over him and put all of that behind me. You were the hardest lesson I ever had to learn.
After he responded, I finally felt a sense of peace in my life. It was like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I finally got the closure that I needed months ago. Though in reality, I just kind of wish none of it really ever happened.
I would never ever willingly go through with that again, I’m also not going to lie, it’s made me afraid of getting in a relationship again. I don’t ever want to experience that kind of pain again because no matter how hard I tried, there was nothing I could do on my end to make it go away. In all honesty, I would rather feel physical pain rather than emotional, because with physical pain you know that at some point, its going to end. You just have to endure it a little longer and then you will slowly begin to heal. But after you’ve been hurt so deep emotionally, it doesn’t seem like you ever start healing. It just hurts thats it.
I’m not the same girl I was a few months ago. I’m no longer some broken hearted girl waiting around for love. No, that’s not something I need in my life. If its God’s will for me, then I pray He sends me the Mr. Right and reroutes all the Mr. wrongs. I don’t want to get emotionally attached to someone if it’s going to end in heartbreak. I am at a point in my life where I don’t need a guy. I don’t need to have a boyfriend. I am happy by myself.
This time I have being on my own, isn’t a curse like some people make it out to be, its actually a blessing in disguise. During this season of my life, I am able to figure what my calling is. I am able to learn more about myself and who I am in Christ. I have the opportunity to learn more about God and His character. I have the chance to strengthen my relationship in Christ. I have time to myself. I have the opportunity to go on mission trips.
During this season of my life, I am learning more and more to rely on God for everything and through ever situation. I used to rely on other people first and if they couldn’t come through, then it was God. But now, things are exactly in the order they should be in. I realized that some people come into our lives just to teach us how to let go.
God comes first before everything.
In writing this, I’m not saying that I don’t get a little sad when I see others in relationships. I do and I think that’s natural. God said “it is not good for man to be alone” and He was right. I’m waiting around for the right relationship but I’m also very content where I am.
I think the most important thing for us to remember is that when we jump into a relationship just because we don’t want to be single, we are doing more harm that good. We are willingly setting ourselves up to feel a lot of pain. Just because you’re single, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that you’re not pretty enough or smart enough, it just means that it’s not God’s timing just yet. It means that you still have some learning to do in the current season you’re in.
Remember, don’t try to force a relationship, wait on God’s timing.
“Our timing isn’t God’s timing.”
When the right guy/girl comes along, you won’t ever have to cry yourself to sleep. You won’t ever have to question your worth. You won’t ever have to question if you are good enough. When its the right relationship, you’ll know.
In the end, maybe you weren’t the one for me but deep down I wanted you to be so bad, so I tried to force it.